I haven't written here in a long time and thought I should catch up as best I can.

Things did not change and he never left. He was so inconsistent and really started faltering near the end. He seemed not to really give a shit anymore and was content with the way things were.

Last week I broke things off with him for good. He doesn't seem too broken up about it. It's probably what he wanted all along. He tells me that he's so sad and misses me so much but he's obviously willing to lose me. My friends say that he's not going to leave if he's willing to lose me and isn't already making plans to move out. They said if he really loved me he would have been shitting bricks when I left and would be trying to get me back by moving out. That made sense to me.

He's currently up North with the family doing the orientation for the oldest who is off to college. Now he's going to stay another 3 years until his youngest is in college. He says that he doesn't think he can stay that long but he most certainly can. I wonder if things will get better for his marriage now that I'm not in his life.

He says he's not going to cheat anymore (unless it's with me) but I really don't see that happening. My boss says that he has been cheating on his wife for so long and will continue to. She had told me stories about his cheating back when he worked at BMG but I knew about that but there were aspects that I didn't know about. She said everyone knew about it. She says he's disgusting and she is grossed out just looking at him. She says she pretends to give a shit about what he's saying but the whole time she doesn't believe anything he's saying. She said he was telling her about the oldest going to college and how when the youngest is gone he doesn't know what he's going to do with his life. She thought him such a dick when he said that because he didn't even mention being with me and this was while we were still seeing each other. She said she saw him downtown and how fake he is (he was with his family). She said the whole spectacle was disgusting because she knows he's not happy at home but he pretends he is. I know, I get to hear him talk to his wife and how he acts all happy to hear from her.

I can't believe I fell for all that. I believe he loves me and that he was genuine with me but I think he did play me when it came to his home life. I wouldn't be surprised if they were having sex.

When I told him that I can't see him until he's a real man that can make plans for a future that can actually happen. I'm not talking about marriage or living together, I'm talking about just being able to take me to dinner and then spend the night and do what ever we want that's not contingent on her plans. He said that doesn't want me to say goodbye. That he'd rather I stay with him but understands. I think it won't hit him for a few months but he'll eventually miss me to his core.

Then he'll get over it and find the new nurse that is willing to fuck him and she'll be the lucky lady he ends up with.

So I've been crying for days trying to get it out of my system. I've been preparing for it for a long time and I have had experience with a broken heart so I know how to survive it. It is shattered more than usual and the cuts are deep but I think I can get through it without falling apart completely. Plus I have help from friends and a potential new boyfriend.

One of my friends has been trying to set me up with her ex boyfriend for a year and I have always refused because I was involved with Mr. Procrastination and thought we had a future so was diligently waiting for him. I first met him a year ago and thought he was cute but then I didn't see him again until recently.

For some reason a few months ago she really started pushing the idea of the two of us getting married. She kept saying to me that we have so much in common and need to get married. I just laughed it off because it didn't seem plausible.

My ex boyfriend came to visit about a month ago and my friend had him come up and we all hung out for about a week. The whole time she's talking about us getting married. She even told my ex not to get in the way. So as I'm spending time with him I'm realizing that we are compatible except that he's too young for me and I was still involved with my married guy.

So she invited him up the next week and we spent more time together and by now I have broken up with the heartbreaker. Even though I was heart broken and sad I could still see what a great guy he was.

He is coming up tomorrow but has to leave the next day for work. Then I won't see him for 2 weeks as he's going out of town with his family (no he's not married). He says he's planning to move here in October but not sure if he will and I'm a poor judgement of that right now. He says he really likes me.

So I'm thinking I'm going to date this guy and see what happens. In the end he'll probably leave me for a woman more his age but I'll deal with that then. We haven't talked about the age difference and I didn't think he'd be interested in me because of the difference but he doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I'm going to ask him about it tomorrow. My friend has already volunteered to be the surrogate in case he wants kids. She has everything worked out.

So now we're trying to get to know each other and she seems a little weird about it but I'm hoping she'll get over it without any drama. We aren't excluding her, we're just trying to get to know each other on our terms.

All my friends are for it. They don't even care about the age difference as long as it gets me away from Mr. Procrastination. I know it seems too soon to get involved with someone but I have been hoping for something like this for a year now. Someone that I like and that I think is attractive and kind, Someone that I think will treat me right and never cheat on me. He's even willing to compromise. We've already discussed some of our differences and he's all about changing himself but I told him that wasn't necessary. He says things like he's looking for someone that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I know he isn't into casual sex. He's like me in that respect. Would rather have sex with someone he has feelings for. He grew up in another country so isn't a typical american guy yet he isn't too foreign. He speaks fluid english. He's a half breed like me. He's sensitive and shy. He doesn't crave attention. He's affectionate.

I'm scared to get hurt but feel I need to explore this one. The fucked thing is with my luck Mr. Married will move out and come calling and I'll have to decide what I want. If this new relationship is going strong and I feel secure about our age difference then I'm going to stay.

old embraces || and those || yet to come